I had no idea that staying in touch with your high school friends was weird until I went off to college. Don't get me wrong, my college friends (who are equally amazing in their own right--I'll go into detail in a future post I'm sure) were still very much connected with people from back home but probably not to the degree that I was. It felt everyone else had dropped their old friends like a bad habit, forgotten them like the lyrics to a Kanye West song and here we were, visiting each other at school and not outgrowing each other. What the hell was wrong with us?!
I've always thought about what made us different, what made us so invested in each other that we cared enough to keep making the effort to stay close after all these years. It might have been the fact that we went to a relatively small high school in a seemingly small town that played a big part in how close we became and undoubtedly stayed throughout the trying years of college and even more trying years of post grad. Maybe it was because most of us went to grade school together and witnessed each other go through our "braces and bangs" stage. Who knows. I can only chalk it up to us being lucky.
Every holiday break, every summer, every occasion we were planning trips and events to be together. There was never a week that passed that I didn't speak to all of them and we still talk every single day. I will never be able to truly put into words what these lifelong friends mean to me but I'll damn sure try. Here are a few reasons why my high school friends are the real MVP's!
1. They give holidays new meaning. From St. Patrick's to President's Day we will use any excuse to get together. Birthdays are always better when they are around and by now pretty much every occasion had transitioned into a validated excuse to reunite, dress festively and drink heavily. "You guys got anything planned for Arbor Day?"
2. Words are unnecessary. I never need a wordy explanation or expressive dialogue for them to understand where I am coming from or what I'm thinking. All it takes is a "look" and they instantly know exactly what's happening, my thoughts on it, and how/when we are taking action regardless of the situation. It hasn't been proven or documented, but I believe that we could communicate an entire covert operation with the bat of an eye. Beware.
3. We are fiercely loyal. We have each others back come hell or high water. They hate someone? So do I. I actually probably hate them more. If I have a problem, they'll solve it. We don't think twice about jumping in the car for a two hour ride because one of us is upset over a breakup or just needs someone in their corner. We support each other 100% even when one of us is acting like a certified wackadoodle doo. We operate as a unit and if you thought one of us was bad...buckle up, honey. It gets so much worse.
4. We are a package deal. Sure, we care if our family likes who we are seeing but the true test is bringing him around our girls and guys knows this. They bring their A game, buy us all drinks and if they're smart they'll come equipped with their own posse of bros for us to pick over. We ask them tons of questions, make them feel uncomfortable and enjoy every second of. If he doesn't get an attitude or become anti-social...he can stay...for the time being anyways. After all, we already know for a fact that us girls are going to be together forever, we just have to decide if he gets to be a part of that.
5. We love each other despite each other "unique" medical conditions. We even make fun of each other for them. Might sound cruel and unusual to some but it works for us. Don't question it.
6. Their family is my family and vice versa. It's completely normal for us to pop in at each others parent's house unannounced and stay for dinner. We are close with each others siblings and might even have a nickname for them. Hell, we even text each others parents from time to time because you haven't truly lived until you've received an inspirational video from Wiley Reddick early on a Monday morning--just saying.
7. Insults become terms of endearment. We playfully call each other names and sometimes, for that moment anyways, we might even mean every word that we say but regardless we love each other just the same. Being best friends means you can speak without a filter to one another but I'll be damned if we allow anyone else to even consider it.
8. We roll deep. At this point in our lives it often takes a great deal of time and money to be in the same place at the same time but we all put in the work because it's sooooo worth it. We are all off doing our own thing and hopefully laying the foundation for the life of mansions and early retirement we've been planning for since we were young and it isn't as easy as it used to be for all of us to do fun things together. So, the few times a year we are ALL able to be reunited we make the most of it. We realize that people are probably tired of seeing pictures of us and probably think "gah, they are all still friends?!" #SorryBoutIt #CantStopWontStop
9. Every major memory or life event, they're in it. The good ones, the bad ones, the ones we never thought we'd get through and the ones we are still trying to navigate through, some way or another they were there. They've seen me at my best and at my absolute worst so that's really how I know I can trust them when they tell me I'm having a "pretty" day or if maybe I should consider getting a spray tan before I break out the shorts.
10. One day I know that my kids will have one kick ass group of aunts that will most likely ruin any positive parenting strides I've made with an embarrassing story from my younger days. I can only hope that there isn't any photographic proof to back up their claim.
11. They know my mother inside and out and they still want to be friends with me.
So about 7 months ago I moved to a brand new place where I didn't know a soul. It was scary, terrifying even but because I like to pretend to be super free spirited sometimes I made the move without giving it a second thought and started a brand new job in a brand new state in a small beach town with no family and/or friends. Luckily, I work with some pretty cool people so that made the adjustment a little easier but I didn't feel that occasionally going out with my work friends to various surrounding cities on the weekend was allowing me to truly experience all the wonderful qualities my new town had to offer...and by qualities I mean bars.
On TV you always see young professionals going out for drinks after work with their co-workers and meeting up with friends to bitch and moan about their day. I wanted that! Only problem is, I live in a beach town where 70% of the local population vividly remember World War II and the other 30% are locals and...well, nuff said. I never realized how much I took having my friends so close and being able to call them last minute and ask them to meet up with me whenever I wanted for granted. I eventually came to the realization that I would have to have a go at this this alone. Nevertheless I was determined to be the subject of my very own social experiment and go out by myself - I just had to get up the confidence to actually go through with it.
I was actually disappointed at how big of a baby I was being about the whole thing because I mean seriously, it's not a big fucking deal. I presented the idea to the group text all of my best friends communicate through daily and they all assured me that it was "perfectly normal" but the thought of being that lonely solo at the bar that everyone assumed had no friends or might have a drinking problem plagued me. But, after being heckled by my friends and a few drive by trips through "downtown" where I chickened out and went home to watch New Girl on my couch, I finally got up the nerve to venture out in good ol' downtown Bradenton, Florida. After all, besides the $40 in my wallet, what did I have to lose?
I didn't know where to start. I had been out in Bradenton before but everything looked a lot different in the daytime and I hadn't previously been drinking before I got there so it was a little weird. I came to realize this would be a trial and error sort of thing. I was initially shocked at just how many bars there are on a single street in such a small town but then again it is Florida and I encounter at least 3 drunks daily so it all eventually made sense. Needless to say I tried every single one. A fancy place with people in suits, one bar with hipsters and their dogs, another with 100 beers on tap, a lounge type place where a homeless man tried to sell me a flower he made out of trash and even an Irish pub where everyone yelled at each other. They were all fun and obviously had a lot to offer but there was a tiny place on the corner that was poorly lit and looked a little sad that I hadn't visited yet. I wasn't sure if this was a bar or a place where you'd go to purchase illegal firearms but as soon as I saw a tiny old man stumble out hammered drunk and hit his face on a newspaper dispenser I knew it was a place I needed to check out.
I walked in and once my eyes adjusted to the dark, rabbit hole ambiance and made it through the wave of cigarette smoke I was able to take a seat near the corner of the room. Every person immediately looked at me confused as to why I was there which I assume was because I was the only one who had showered that day and my shirt didn't have a name plate on it. I nervously ordered a Blue Moon that was later brought to me without an orange but I didn't ask any questions. As I surveyed the room I noticed that the bar was full of people having a drink by themselves who, if you disregard the amount of teeth they had left, were just like me. There were construction workers, businessmen, retirees, and probably at least one potential serial killer (nothing legally confirmed) who all knew each other and the bartenders by name. I was fascinated with the relationships they had made within the walls of the establishment and they were all genuinely happy to see each other. It wasn't long before I decided that this place was my jam.
I began to frequent this place once a week and eventually I became a recognizable face...or at least the bartender was able to decipher who I was. The other patrons were usually way behind the cork by the time I got there in the evenings so I couldn't very well expect them to comprehend who I was. My friends had their own reservations about the bar that I had chosen to be my "Cheers" because I'm typically the youngest person by at least 20 years and aside from my girl Char (bartender) and the occasional tie dye wearing gypsy I'm the only female you'll find but it never bothers me. Other than the one time the Blue Moon tap ran out and the bartender said, "I don't know how this keg can be empty-you're literally the only person who orders this stuff", I have never been ashamed to be a regular there. The place is great! My drink is waiting for by the time I take my seat, I am constantly being told that I am "a magnificent lookin' lady" and it's the only place I've found where "Wagon Wheel" and anything by Three 6 Mafia are equally appreciated. Also, I don't think that I've ever seen anyone order a "bucket uh Bud" and finish it in 40 minutes in the graceful way that Butch Freeman does. Impressive to say the least.
Is my bar even a little bit clean, sophisticated or up to code? Most definitely not. Are the glasses squeaky clean and do the bathrooms always have toilet paper? Nah, but is any of the stuff really important? What I do know is that my bar is full of salt of the earth people who accept everyone for who they are. I was welcomed with open arms despite my designer handbag and combed hair and those one to five hours that I'm posted up on my stool I'm just one of the gang. I feel a responsibility to my new friends because after all, who is going to listen to Char talk about her troubles with hypertension or teach Dale how to send his new girlfriend a picture from his iPhone? My point is, don't be afraid to go out of your comfort zone even if it does mean having all your clothes permanently smell like smoke or having to shoot the shit for two hours with drunks who pay their tabs in nickels and grocery store coupons. I imagine that as my mother reads this the pride she felt after reading my previous blog about not wanting to go out drinking anymore is quickly diminishing. Don't you worry your pretty little head, Crazy. Just look at this new hangout of mine as a much more entertaining coffee shop. I encourage everyone to go out and find their very own "Old Main Pub". What's the worst that could happen, right? However, I must encourage you to do so with extreme caution as solo bar sitting can be a little tricky. As it goes in most situations, you never really know how drunk you are until you are in the bathroom by yourself.
Happy Hunting!
Good ol' Instagram. If it wasn't for this app, attention seekers would have one less avenue to reach the public and we would never know what each other ate for dinner. I for one love Instagram. It is the best way for me to keep tabs on my best friends while simultaneously stalking every celebrity I wish I got to hang out with. But like every great thing there's always the idiots that do it wrong and ruin it for everyone else. Everyone has had their moments of posting ridiculous shit but some make it a habit and this post is for them. I might lose followers and "friends" from this post but I'm ok with it. Consider this post a PSA, a favor and a come to Jesus meeting for all the narcissistic, vainglorious and self promoting boneheads out there who still think people care about the temperature of their location and assume people will forget what they look like if they don't post daily pictures of themselves.
1. The Meal Prepper
We get it. You are so healthy, you love weighing your food and you cook tons of flavorless substances on Sundays. As impressive as your brightly colored Tupperware, ability to plan your breakfast lunch and dinner for an entire week might be, and I'm sure by showing everyone you might reassure yourself that eating out of reheated plastic seven days a week is the way to go, I can promise you no one cares.
2.The Excessive Hashtagger
Seriously how long did it take you to write that spaceless, 84 character sentence? No one wants to read that bullshit and you won't, I repeat you WILL NEVER end up on the popular page by #hashtagging #every #single #word #that #you #say #you #simple #bitch.
3. The Future Wifey
Just because you can bring water to a boil and are capable of reheating a precooked meal does not make you highly sought after marriage material. I am willing to bet money that any girl who actually uses the term "wifey" on social media doesn't actually have a boyfriend or significant other of any kind. Aside from that, thanks for setting females back about 60 years. Start worrying about bringing in a lucrative income and being able to provide for yourself because no one wants to eat the luke warm canned goods you call a meal.
4. "Look how artistic I am"
Adding eight filters and using the rule of thirds does not mean you can refer to yourself as a "photographer" and the picture of an abandoned dumpster with no caption isn't thought provoking. Cut it out.
5. #FoodPorn
No one cares what you are eating for dinner and I think I can speak for everyone when I say your overpriced, pitifully proportioned meal isn't even a little bit arousing.
6. The Pity Seeker
You keep us on our toes guessing which virus you've contracted this week, which strain of Ebola you are suffering from or how debilitating your ingrown toenail is. You are so sick all the time but I guarantee not as sick as we are of hearing about it. Our patience for you is about as low as your immune system.
7. Hotdog Legs
I don't know how this even became a thing but I think we can all agree it should stop.
8. #MCM & #WCW
You're in love, you want to tell the world and you do it every. fucking. week. We get it! Unless you are posting shirtless pictures of Channing Tatum every Monday keep that shit in your photo archives where he/she belongs. Also, you're probably 12...where are your parents?
9. "Seriously...wtf is that?"
What....is it? What's the point? Is this some kind of subliminal message they're sending? Am I too dense to understand this picture's deeper meaning?? No. You're the idiot who decided to post a picture of a pile of sand or close up of your eyebrow. #GoHomeYoureDrunk
10.Uneducated Quoter
I'm pretty sure "quoter" isn't even a word but we're just going to roll with it because the quotes you post aren't even things that were said by the Marilyn Monroe or Drake that you attached the phrase to. Last time I checked I'm pretty sure Gandhi never talked about getting turnt with his friends.
11. The Selfie.
Studies show there is a direct correlation between the amount of selfies someone posts and the amount of people who hate looking at their face.
12. Coffee Connoisseur
Is it really necessary for you to post your java art? Or a video or your Keurig brewing a cup? ESPECIALLY a picture of your Starbucks cup with your name spelled wrong? I just can't with you.
13. "Do you even lift, bro?"
Yeah, I do...maybe...regardless I don't benefit from seeing your mirror selfie of you at the gym "getting swole". We hate you and everyone at the gym is making fun of you, bro.
14. "Look how early I have to wake uuuuuuup"
Do you want props for leaving your bed and being productive?
15. Feet.
Nuff said
Disclaimer: If you are a stranger whose picture was used for this post I apologize but lets be serious...you had it coming.
College was the shit. I mean lets be honest. Minimal responsibility, simplified freedom, tons of friends and fun things to do. It was ignorant bliss. We grew up hearing all the "grown ups" preach to us that its hard in the real world and enjoy every second of your youth while you can but we of course ignored them and counted the minutes to graduation, anxiously awaiting our official adulthood and self sufficiency. We were stupid.
They told us it would be hard but they were vague, ok. I was under the impression that it would be a gradual progression into the lives that we were accustomed to seeing our much older influences live but I quickly learned it wasn't a graceful transition. The once coveted post graduate years have proven to be, at times, really effing tough. We live in this "grown up but not" world that was thrust upon us where we pretend to have it all together and be self-sufficient while we actually have no idea what we're doing 93% of the time and have at least three "shhhhhiiiitttttttt" moments a day.
So for all you up and coming baby children, I've decided to prepare you for the unavoidable day in your life when you wish you hadn't taken your college years for granted and maybe even failed a class or two to prolong the greatest years of your life.
1. Your friends will be in 100 different places. For four years all of your favorite people were in walking distance of you and now a group text is the closest thing you have to a hangout. You have to learn to respect that everyone is living their life at different speeds and still find ways to relate and understand each other. If you're lucky enough to have true, genuine friends you eventually understand that the distance doesn't affect your relationships. When you are finally reunited (after intense planning, scheduling and most likely at a wedding) it's just like old times.
2. Relationships and dating take a lot of unnecessary energy. There's an unspoken pressure when you're in your twenties that you need/must settle down with whatever clingy, moderately acceptable person who decides to pursue you as a prospect. If you haven't already, you will eventually wish that arranged marriages were still a thing so you would have one less thing to worry with and your parents and/or friends would quit talking about it. Life doesn't have to always be a fairytale, people. After all, Cinderella didn't ask her fairy godmother for prince charming, all she wanted was a night out and a new dress. I mean she didn't even make it home with both shoes. She was a mess.
3.You are older than most of pop culture's elite and have a lot less money. Let that sink in for a second. I am older than Megan Fox, Jennifer Lawrence, Kate Upton and most of the Jonas Brothers...ugh, I need a drink.
4. Regardless of how hard you worked in college and in your first years after graduation you probably won't be working your "dream job". Apparently your twenties are a time when you have to pay your dues but it will pay off eventually...right? *chugs previously poured drink*
5. Even though you are bringing in a steady, continuous income you will never feel like you have enough money. You're not broke but you might as well be because what your responsible side wants is completely different than your irresponsible side. You're constantly conflicted between whether or not to save your money for the future or putting it towards traveling, doing things with your friends and have unforgettable experiences. Also, beer money.
6. Going out will go from being a celebratory weekend activity to being a necessity for networking, your love life and overall sanity. You now have to be responsible when you're out to protect your professional reputation. You accomplish this (sometimes) by not drinking too much and avoiding confrontation which isn't always as easy as it sounds. I always have to remind myself that "I'm an adult now and I have things to do in the morning!" Also, avoid all girls who have erasable eyebrows...they usually try to start the most shit.
7. Your metabolism goes on a seemingly permanent vacation. You'll think, "Man I wish I was as skinny as I was when I thought I was fat in high school." Also, managing your hair growth will become a full time job. There will literally be hair everywhere. There's so much hair in my drain I expect it to get up and walk out of my apartment at any moment.
8. Your parents won't agree with 100% of what you do, say, wear, purchase, drink etc. and they won't be shy about letting you know. But they'll love you anyways.
9. 401K, Roth IRA, retirement benefits, stock and investment options, car troubles, scheduling your own doctors appointments, bills, taxes, health insurance buy ups etc. are all things that you need to know about. You can only call your parents so many times while signing a contract for your job before your boss starts to question your mental capacity.
10. You never "knew it all". You will gain an appreciation for your parents that you never thought possible and they will become your best friends if they weren't already. As much as you thought you needed to spread your wings and fly off to a far away place to make a life for yourself, you'll still find yourself looking to them for advice, guidance and encouragement. The fact that you can still do that is probably the best part of your twenties. However, I should warn you that parenting knows no boundaries and your mom will still attempt to parent everything you do even from 1,000 miles away.
God speed.
Women. We are unique, complicated creatures. We can hardly understand ourselves half the time and the odds of anyone else even beginning to understand us is wishful thinking. While every girl wouldn't be who they were without their best girlfriends who serve an all encompassing purpose that I couldn't even begin to describe, in my short life I have learned that every girl, no matter who she is, needs to have guy friends.
Some might overlook the benefits of having a solid group of guy friends because they have dads, brothers and significant others to play the part but that is only a common misconception. Not to discredit anything that those people do to contribute to our lives but lets be honest...it isn't the same. Guy BFF's bring an entirely different skillset to the table and a perspective that can sometimes rival that of your female besties. All in all, I have been fortunate enough to have a great group(s) of guy friends and I think it is high time they receive the recognition they deserve for what they mean to the girls who are smart enough to appreciate their attributes.
1.The Drama. Any girl who has only guy friends because they "are less drama" is a dumb biddy who probably runs her mouth too much, is most likely the root of all drama and has no girlfriends left to speak of. If you have a true relationship with your guy besties you know that there is still the drama it's just better. They will talk about who/what you want and won't talk about what you consider to be off limits. They are the worlds greatest Peanut Gallery and always agree with you (for the most part anyways). Guys secretly like gossiping, just not to the extent that we do. :)
2. They are protective. They always have your back. Always. If they don't then you probably aren't as good of friends as you thought.
3. No Judgment. They will never tell you shot gunning beers is "unladylike" and they don't care about the terrible late night food choices you make after going out. Also, you never have to worry about them talking about your outfit because they have no idea what fashion is.
4. Sports. They can play/watch games with you and actually know what they are talking about.
5. Vulgarity. They always appreciate your dirty jokes and you can talk shit to them without them getting their feelings hurt.
6. Guys. They offer a perspective on dating that your girlfriends can't and they won't tell you what you want to hear just so you don't get your feelings hurt.
7. They are easy going. While they care about your feelings and any problems you might be having they don't feel the need to "talk it out". They'll be there if/when you're ready to talk about it but you'll never have to worry about them pressuring you to "let it out" while awkwardly rubbing your back.
8. They have as low a tolerance for bitchy girls as you do.
9. With them, "sweatpants, hair tied, chilling with no makeup on" is business as usual.
10. They always seek your approval on who they're dating and that makes you feel a bit powerful. Plus, the other girls know this and are super nice to you...that is, if they know what's good for them.
11. Gay BFF! Every girl knows that this is the holy grail of friendships. It's like every friend you've ever had in one. They can go shopping with you AND help you move out of your apartment without missing a beat. If you have one of these, be thankful and never let them out of your sight!
12. They know you watch Family Guy and Bob's Burgers and other embarrassing things you don't usually disclose and don't make fun of you for it.
13. If your car breaks down they will know what to do without you having to call your dad right away. Also, if you just so happen to accidentally drive your jeep off a muddy hill in the pouring rain and almost roll into a tree they will help you get it unstuck a few days later! (shout out to Seth, Jason, Doug and Friz for that one)
14. They probably enjoy playing video games which at times can be annoying but if you're lucky they will give you their headset while they're playing and let you harass whatever nine year old boy they are playing on the other side of the world and make them think they are getting schooled by a girl.
15. They are great to have around when you're out with a group of friends because they will surely make any ex or any potential suitor jealous. Also you'll never have to worry about any weirdo creeping up behind you and copping a feel on the dance floor because you're each others go to when it starts getting dancey.
16. Your mom loves them.
I never thought this would ever come out of my mouth but alas the day has finally come where I can honestly say that I no longer consider clubbing to be the definition of "fun". I mean sure, when I was younger I loved dressing up in short sparkly clothes and showing my ID (which was probably fake) to the douche bouncers, dancing in a mosh pit of people while I sweat out the hair and makeup I had just spent hours perfecting. Now, that is all so mundane.
I knew that eventually I would evolve into a responsible adult with a sensible bedtime but I had no idea it would be this soon. This New Years Eve helped me to come to the realization that I can no longer relate to the dumb biddies jumping around and spilling their drinks all over the dance floor, strobe lights are only tolerable when you're incoherent and do I honestly want to tell my children that I met their father somewhere with a name like "Amnesia"? In addition to the fact that if I hear an LMFAO song one more time I might go insane, here is why I will most likely be trading my stilettos and jello shots in for Netflix and pizza in 2015.
1. It hurts. It isn't worth the blisters that go along with club appropriate shoes and my knees...damn it my knees hurt. Lil Jon, quit telling me to "Get Low" unless you know of someone who is willing to help me up.
2. I'm cold. I am actually appalled at the clothes I wore to the club when I was younger. I remember times in college when I would literally be standing in line WHILE IT WAS SNOWING SIDEWAYS in next to nothing. Jackets and pants are a necessity now.
3. I buy real clothes now. Back then I could care less if my halter top got ruined but nowadays if I can't make something wearable to both work AND going out with friends I don't buy it. I'll be damned if I let you get away with spilling your mixed drink on my designer blouse.
4. It's expensive. $14 dollars for vodka soda in the worlds tiniest solo cup? I don't think so. Don't even think about asking me to pay a cover. Not to mention I am tired of paying to get my iPhone fixed after accidentally dropping it or having someone's stiletto pierce the screen.
5. Am I the oldest one here? The fact that I even have to ask myself that question is enough proof for me. I mean of course there's that old man in the corner wearing a green suit and top hat creepily scheming on unsuspecting teenagers but even he thinks you're too old.
6. Has the music always been this loud? "I'm sorry what? WHAT DID YOU SAY?" Unless you are fluent in American sign language and in some strange case so is every other lunatic in the place it is impossible to have a conversation. And if you do strike up a conversation with an attractive male you'll eventually find out they're there for their best friends 21st birthday and you'll then desperately need a shot or three to cope with your ever diminishing youth.
7. "I can't believe I used to drink this shit." The sheer thought of taking a shot with no chaser makes my skin crawl and it usually results in a three day hangover. I now understand the benefits of top shelf as opposed to the previously coveted "house" liquor.
8. "Do people really consider this music?" Half the time I have no idea who or what is playing and unfortunately the DJ's are tired of me requesting "anything Beyoncé". If it doesn't have a heavy bass line and make your heart feel like it is about to explode they aren't playing it.
9. The bathrooms. I don't think I need to elaborate.
10. I'm so tired. I have to physically prepare myself to stay up past 12am and that is usually harder than waking myself up at 5:30am. Once, when I found myself thinking about how much I couldn't wait to get home to my bed while I sipped an overpriced drink that I could barely see in whatever poorly lit rave cave I had ventured into, I knew I had no business being there.
If you are a young twenty something (or perhaps someone much older than me *cough cough*) reading this and you are still in your social prime and enjoy all I have listed above, don't worry. Your time is coming. Until then, I wish you all the best and encourage you to drink lots of water and invest in a large bottle of Ibuprofen.
It's time to say our bittersweet goodbyes to 2014 and welcome the New Year. I guess the typical human being greets a new year with that "new year, new me" façade that we all loathe, coupled with resolutions about bettering themselves but the fact that I'm still not Victoria's Secret skinny and haven't managed to trick a country music sensation into falling madly in love with me (I'm talking to you Brett Eldredge) is enough to prove that resolutions, for me anyways, are a bunch of bullshit. That's why I have decided to put together a list of achievable goals that every twenty something (or most specifically those of us who are approaching mid-late twenties) can hopefully relate to and/or appreciate.
1. Don't get married. But if you absolutely have to, make sure the wedding is fun and you invite lots of eligible bachelors for your friends.
2. Don't have kids. Unless you really want to, then just make sure your kid is cute enough to subject your social media followers to daily updates of that slobbery baby. Wondering how you'll know? Well, if your baby is cute people will comment things like "Awwww what a doll! I can't get enough of these pics of this sweet angel!" And if your baby is a monster they'll say stuff like "Aww I love his outfit. He looks so good in that hat." You get it.
3. Find a mean best friend. I'm not talking about someone who pushes you down stairs or tries to steal your boyfriend, I talking about a brutally honest, fiercely loyal friend who always and I mean ALWAYS shoots it to you straight. There are a lot of "Shave Your Head Friends" (that's someone who if you ask them if you would look good bald they would hand you the clippers and talk you into fucking up your life) out there and we all need that someone who isn't afraid to tell us that hippy headbands aren't for everyone and skinny jeans and sneakers is never a good look.
4. Always keep it cute! UNLESS you and your friends have reached an agreement that in a certain circumstance it is acceptable to go from classy to gangsta faster than you can say "bless your heart", where in turn this resolution is null and void.
5. Always wash your make up off after going out. Trust me. I know sometimes after a beer or six that's the last thing you care about but there is nothing worse than waking up confused, walking into your bathroom and the first thing you see is Ursula the Sea Witch staring back at you and your whole day is gone in that moment.
6. Make an effort to keep in touch with your friends. I know, I know, you're all living in different places and you're busy and super important but that's what group texting is for. It's unacceptable not to. If Beyoncé has time to Instagram you have time to text your college roommate.
7. Do what makes you happy until it doesn't make you happy anymore. Then do something else. It's that simple.
8. Listen to your friends when it comes to guys. They aren't going to lie to you and they want you to be happy. If they tell you the guy you like looks like Ross Geller on bath salts then he probably does. Nine times out of ten your friends will detect any fratastic douche, mama's boy or jobless idiot way before you will.
9. Put yourself first. Don't go all crazy and start fronting people in line at the DMV or anything but in life, especially now, I think its important to be your own biggest fan. I've been told numerous times that your twenties are about being selfish and doing exactly what you want so do just that. Right now you're the only thing you have to worry about...that's it! Hell, if you want to lay around in your underwear all day and watch Bob's Burgers you do that! Enjoy your financial freedom, finding a career that you love, learning about yourself and even getting weird when you feel like it.
10. Be impulsive. If you are a logical person you probably tend to think of something awesome and then two minutes later start to reason with yourself and talk yourself out of what could quite possibly the coolest thing you've ever done. This was my resolution this past year and how I ended up with my precious dog, Cathy, a pretty cool job in the sunshine state and what made me book a trip to NYC on a whim. *pats weave*
11. Don't go to bars/clubs that let in people under 21. You're too old for that...seriously you'll be the oldest person there and that is never fun. It's depressing to see young college coeds in their prime bee bopping around to the latest Katy Perry remix while you drink your craft beer (because you're also going to stop drinking the shit beer that is on special) and think about how much you'd rather be in your bed.
12. Save your money. Not just for house and unexpected expenses and stuff like that but for fun things and trips with your friends. This is the only time you will be unattached and able to take impromptu vacations with your besties to a foreign land. While you're there you can even have a little fun and convince your parents that you met a local and decided to get married and not get on your flight home the next day like I did! However, I must warn you that your parents WILL NOT think it is funny worth a damn.
Sorry, mom and dad.
13. Buy quality clothing. You are a young professional now and Forever 21 is unfortunately just the name of a store. You have no business entering any store blaring techno music. Most of those clothes are worthless after one wash anyways. I know from experience. Once the crotch of your pants unknowingly unravels in front of a table full of old construction men at Subway you never go back.
14. Drink alcohol in moderation. Hahaha. Yeah, I couldn't say that with a straight face either. I guess at least resolve to do so in front of older family members and on days of the week that don't end in "Y".
15. Call your mother.
