It's that time of year again! Time to wish good tidings to all and use the word "tiding" in a sentence and it not sound weird. I love the holiday season and usually there is nothing anyone can do to put a hitch in my giddy up but there's always those select few who unknowingly try. Since moving to Florida, the state winter forgot, six months ago, I have found it to be harder to be my usual cheerful holiday self regardless of how many times I watch "Elf". A lot of it probably has to do with the fact that I'm far away from my hometown and not reaping the benefits of my mother's cooking and chic holiday décor but mostly due to the people I encounter on a daily basis. Some of you out there are probably experiencing the same situation but don't fret. I have compiled a list of people that you could potentially encounter this holiday season and the sooner you can pick them out of the crowd the sooner you can proceed in the other direction and bring joy to the world!
Hallmark Hater
You know the one. He's the guy who hates how materialistic every holiday has become, is down with big business and boycotts all gift giving practices. This guy is the worst. However, I'll bet all the money in my wallet that if given a present they would whole-heartedly accept. Translation, this guy is a greedy cheapskate who has nothing better to do than be the opposition and ruin the fun for everyone else. Get off your soapbox and sit down, sir and while your at it go comb your hair and shave your soul patch. If you're going to be downer at least look presentable.
Seasonal Suzy Homemaker
All year long they might use their kitchen a total of 4 times and suddenly around the holidays they become Martha Stewart's understudy and want to make damn sure that everyone on social media knows it. Sure, your DIY attempt to make festive garland out of stuff that no one cares about was moderately impressive, but is it really necessary to make cakes, pies, cookies, and sprinkle covered everything every single day? Who is eating all of this? Glad to see you're carefree and enjoying yourself. Can't wait for you to post a pic of yourself in the gym January 1st.
Christmas Couples
It's their first holiday together and they are soooo excited. You know this because they tell you in all the pictures they post of them cutting their Christmas tree, kissing under the mistletoe and exchanging gifts everyday since Thanksgiving. While I can promise you that all of your friends and family are happy for you, really we are...we get it. Get married already and have a baby. I can handle an excess (within reason) of baby pictures (if you're baby is cute).
Gifter of Guilt
You may know this person, you may not. Regardless they are going to give you a really nice, thoughtful gift and make you feel like shit. Now I appreciate selflessness, generosity and anyone who is in the holiday spirit but c'mon, really? If you don't know my last name or more importantly my dog's name (it's Cathy) please don't get me anything. You're so sweet and the world needs more people like you but don't. Don't do it.
The "Let's Make a Memory" Lady
They always have a camera out, taking "candids" of you opening up your presents or unflattering pictures of you stuffing your face with ham. Don't want to take a picture? Doesn't matter. We only get the whole family together a few times a year and we are going to remember this day damn it!! This is my mother through and through. She has a video of my brother and I on Christmas morning from every. single. year. Now, Crazy, if you're reading this and I know you are because you always nervously read my posts hoping I don't say anything inappropriate, listen up. This year I am drawing the line. I love you and respect your reasoning behind wanting to film my brother and I opening up the presents "Santa" brought us (She still addresses the presents from the big guy. She's adorably embarrassing) but at 24 and 25 years old, I refuse to hold my brothers hand while walking down the stairs Christmas morning in matching pajamas. #StopWhiteMoms2014
The Regifter
Well, you should be ashamed of yourself. If you didn't want a crocheted conductors hat what makes you think I will? *cough* Michelle *cough*
The Office Elf
That guy at work that wears a Santa hat everyday and has an impressive amount of ugly Christmas sweaters. He's great for the most part but the daily mass email with a countdown leading up to when "Saaaaaaanta Claus is comin' to town!" is obnoxious. Save all that for the company Christmas party where they provide beverages that make you tolerable.
Scroogy McGrincherson
What's this dude's deal? They hate everything, groan every time they hear Christmas music, everything remotely cheerful is stupid...you get the picture. You can't help but wonder what went so horribly wrong with their childhood that would have made them hate literally THE most wonderful time of the year and unfortunately there isn't a town full of Who's or three ghosts to help them see the light. Give them a hug and maybe a Starbucks gift card. They need it
The "Drunk Uncle"
SNL's Bobby Moynihan personifies this perfectly. Doesn't necessarily have to be your uncle but there is always that one family member, friend or long lost classmate you might see out at the bar who has had a little too much to drink and starts sobbing about life's disparities and their untapped potential. It is ok to sympathize with this person briefly, but find your escape route quickly. Before you know it your shoulder is soaked with tears and whiskey and you've learned more about that person than you thought possible. Those are precious hours of your life you'll never get back and no matter how hard you try you can never un-see someone's third nipple.
Hometown Big Shot
Maybe they weren't the coolest kid in high school or maybe they were. Either way, they think they've got it going on and they are going to take the opportunity to make it known. Curious about what they're up to, where they work, who they're dating, what kind of car they drive? No? Doesn't matter. They're going to tell you and trust and believe that whatever they've been doing is way cooler than anything you have to talk about. You'll know this because they'll tell you.
The Holiday Traveler
Wherever you're going, however you're getting there, it isn't important. THIS person is important. I assume they must have foreign dignitaries waiting for them at their destination; they're just sitting in economy with the rest of us by accident. If you are lucky enough to be on a flight with this individual go ahead and order a double because you are in for a trip. No one is in as big a hurry as they are, no one knows the troubles they've seen, I'm sure they are the only one with a connecting flight, their families probably love them more and are more excited to be seeing them and "um, excuse me? do you know who I am?!" No, I don't and if you even think about moving my carry on to make room for your Old Navy pea coat we are going to join the mile high fight club. Douche.
Odds are you will encounter one of if not all of these types of people this holiday season and when you do don't let them put a damper on spirit. The holidays are for spending time with the people you care about most and celebrating Baby Jesus. You just do you, pop in Mariah Carey's Christmas album and drink all the spiked cider you can stomach. Be a Back Home Baller. Enjoy your time at home seeing friends and family your ever so demanding schedule has kept you from, appreciate the attentiveness of your adoring parents and be prepared to awkwardly chat it up with old people who still think its acceptable to comment on how much you've grown. Thanks to the ladies at Saturday Night Live there's a full tutorial below.
Love Always,
Lil Baby Haley
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