Good ol' Instagram. If it wasn't for this app, attention seekers would have one less avenue to reach the public and we would never know what each other ate for dinner. I for one love Instagram. It is the best way for me to keep tabs on my best friends while simultaneously stalking every celebrity I wish I got to hang out with. But like every great thing there's always the idiots that do it wrong and ruin it for everyone else. Everyone has had their moments of posting ridiculous shit but some make it a habit and this post is for them. I might lose followers and "friends" from this post but I'm ok with it. Consider this post a PSA, a favor and a come to Jesus meeting for all the narcissistic, vainglorious and self promoting boneheads out there who still think people care about the temperature of their location and assume people will forget what they look like if they don't post daily pictures of themselves.
1. The Meal Prepper
We get it. You are so healthy, you love weighing your food and you cook tons of flavorless substances on Sundays. As impressive as your brightly colored Tupperware, ability to plan your breakfast lunch and dinner for an entire week might be, and I'm sure by showing everyone you might reassure yourself that eating out of reheated plastic seven days a week is the way to go, I can promise you no one cares.
2.The Excessive Hashtagger
Seriously how long did it take you to write that spaceless, 84 character sentence? No one wants to read that bullshit and you won't, I repeat you WILL NEVER end up on the popular page by #hashtagging #every #single #word #that #you #say #you #simple #bitch.
3. The Future Wifey
Just because you can bring water to a boil and are capable of reheating a precooked meal does not make you highly sought after marriage material. I am willing to bet money that any girl who actually uses the term "wifey" on social media doesn't actually have a boyfriend or significant other of any kind. Aside from that, thanks for setting females back about 60 years. Start worrying about bringing in a lucrative income and being able to provide for yourself because no one wants to eat the luke warm canned goods you call a meal.
4. "Look how artistic I am"
Adding eight filters and using the rule of thirds does not mean you can refer to yourself as a "photographer" and the picture of an abandoned dumpster with no caption isn't thought provoking. Cut it out.
5. #FoodPorn
No one cares what you are eating for dinner and I think I can speak for everyone when I say your overpriced, pitifully proportioned meal isn't even a little bit arousing.
6. The Pity Seeker
You keep us on our toes guessing which virus you've contracted this week, which strain of Ebola you are suffering from or how debilitating your ingrown toenail is. You are so sick all the time but I guarantee not as sick as we are of hearing about it. Our patience for you is about as low as your immune system.
7. Hotdog Legs
I don't know how this even became a thing but I think we can all agree it should stop.
8. #MCM & #WCW
You're in love, you want to tell the world and you do it every. fucking. week. We get it! Unless you are posting shirtless pictures of Channing Tatum every Monday keep that shit in your photo archives where he/she belongs. Also, you're probably 12...where are your parents?
9. "Seriously...wtf is that?"
What....is it? What's the point? Is this some kind of subliminal message they're sending? Am I too dense to understand this picture's deeper meaning?? No. You're the idiot who decided to post a picture of a pile of sand or close up of your eyebrow. #GoHomeYoureDrunk
10.Uneducated Quoter
I'm pretty sure "quoter" isn't even a word but we're just going to roll with it because the quotes you post aren't even things that were said by the Marilyn Monroe or Drake that you attached the phrase to. Last time I checked I'm pretty sure Gandhi never talked about getting turnt with his friends.
11. The Selfie.
Studies show there is a direct correlation between the amount of selfies someone posts and the amount of people who hate looking at their face.
12. Coffee Connoisseur
Is it really necessary for you to post your java art? Or a video or your Keurig brewing a cup? ESPECIALLY a picture of your Starbucks cup with your name spelled wrong? I just can't with you.
13. "Do you even lift, bro?"
Yeah, I do...maybe...regardless I don't benefit from seeing your mirror selfie of you at the gym "getting swole". We hate you and everyone at the gym is making fun of you, bro.
14. "Look how early I have to wake uuuuuuup"
Do you want props for leaving your bed and being productive?
15. Feet.
Nuff said
Disclaimer: If you are a stranger whose picture was used for this post I apologize but lets be serious...you had it coming.
College was the shit. I mean lets be honest. Minimal responsibility, simplified freedom, tons of friends and fun things to do. It was ignorant bliss. We grew up hearing all the "grown ups" preach to us that its hard in the real world and enjoy every second of your youth while you can but we of course ignored them and counted the minutes to graduation, anxiously awaiting our official adulthood and self sufficiency. We were stupid.
They told us it would be hard but they were vague, ok. I was under the impression that it would be a gradual progression into the lives that we were accustomed to seeing our much older influences live but I quickly learned it wasn't a graceful transition. The once coveted post graduate years have proven to be, at times, really effing tough. We live in this "grown up but not" world that was thrust upon us where we pretend to have it all together and be self-sufficient while we actually have no idea what we're doing 93% of the time and have at least three "shhhhhiiiitttttttt" moments a day.
So for all you up and coming baby children, I've decided to prepare you for the unavoidable day in your life when you wish you hadn't taken your college years for granted and maybe even failed a class or two to prolong the greatest years of your life.
1. Your friends will be in 100 different places. For four years all of your favorite people were in walking distance of you and now a group text is the closest thing you have to a hangout. You have to learn to respect that everyone is living their life at different speeds and still find ways to relate and understand each other. If you're lucky enough to have true, genuine friends you eventually understand that the distance doesn't affect your relationships. When you are finally reunited (after intense planning, scheduling and most likely at a wedding) it's just like old times.
2. Relationships and dating take a lot of unnecessary energy. There's an unspoken pressure when you're in your twenties that you need/must settle down with whatever clingy, moderately acceptable person who decides to pursue you as a prospect. If you haven't already, you will eventually wish that arranged marriages were still a thing so you would have one less thing to worry with and your parents and/or friends would quit talking about it. Life doesn't have to always be a fairytale, people. After all, Cinderella didn't ask her fairy godmother for prince charming, all she wanted was a night out and a new dress. I mean she didn't even make it home with both shoes. She was a mess.
3.You are older than most of pop culture's elite and have a lot less money. Let that sink in for a second. I am older than Megan Fox, Jennifer Lawrence, Kate Upton and most of the Jonas Brothers...ugh, I need a drink.
4. Regardless of how hard you worked in college and in your first years after graduation you probably won't be working your "dream job". Apparently your twenties are a time when you have to pay your dues but it will pay off eventually...right? *chugs previously poured drink*
5. Even though you are bringing in a steady, continuous income you will never feel like you have enough money. You're not broke but you might as well be because what your responsible side wants is completely different than your irresponsible side. You're constantly conflicted between whether or not to save your money for the future or putting it towards traveling, doing things with your friends and have unforgettable experiences. Also, beer money.
6. Going out will go from being a celebratory weekend activity to being a necessity for networking, your love life and overall sanity. You now have to be responsible when you're out to protect your professional reputation. You accomplish this (sometimes) by not drinking too much and avoiding confrontation which isn't always as easy as it sounds. I always have to remind myself that "I'm an adult now and I have things to do in the morning!" Also, avoid all girls who have erasable eyebrows...they usually try to start the most shit.
7. Your metabolism goes on a seemingly permanent vacation. You'll think, "Man I wish I was as skinny as I was when I thought I was fat in high school." Also, managing your hair growth will become a full time job. There will literally be hair everywhere. There's so much hair in my drain I expect it to get up and walk out of my apartment at any moment.
8. Your parents won't agree with 100% of what you do, say, wear, purchase, drink etc. and they won't be shy about letting you know. But they'll love you anyways.
9. 401K, Roth IRA, retirement benefits, stock and investment options, car troubles, scheduling your own doctors appointments, bills, taxes, health insurance buy ups etc. are all things that you need to know about. You can only call your parents so many times while signing a contract for your job before your boss starts to question your mental capacity.
10. You never "knew it all". You will gain an appreciation for your parents that you never thought possible and they will become your best friends if they weren't already. As much as you thought you needed to spread your wings and fly off to a far away place to make a life for yourself, you'll still find yourself looking to them for advice, guidance and encouragement. The fact that you can still do that is probably the best part of your twenties. However, I should warn you that parenting knows no boundaries and your mom will still attempt to parent everything you do even from 1,000 miles away.
God speed.
Women. We are unique, complicated creatures. We can hardly understand ourselves half the time and the odds of anyone else even beginning to understand us is wishful thinking. While every girl wouldn't be who they were without their best girlfriends who serve an all encompassing purpose that I couldn't even begin to describe, in my short life I have learned that every girl, no matter who she is, needs to have guy friends.
Some might overlook the benefits of having a solid group of guy friends because they have dads, brothers and significant others to play the part but that is only a common misconception. Not to discredit anything that those people do to contribute to our lives but lets be honest...it isn't the same. Guy BFF's bring an entirely different skillset to the table and a perspective that can sometimes rival that of your female besties. All in all, I have been fortunate enough to have a great group(s) of guy friends and I think it is high time they receive the recognition they deserve for what they mean to the girls who are smart enough to appreciate their attributes.
1.The Drama. Any girl who has only guy friends because they "are less drama" is a dumb biddy who probably runs her mouth too much, is most likely the root of all drama and has no girlfriends left to speak of. If you have a true relationship with your guy besties you know that there is still the drama it's just better. They will talk about who/what you want and won't talk about what you consider to be off limits. They are the worlds greatest Peanut Gallery and always agree with you (for the most part anyways). Guys secretly like gossiping, just not to the extent that we do. :)
2. They are protective. They always have your back. Always. If they don't then you probably aren't as good of friends as you thought.
3. No Judgment. They will never tell you shot gunning beers is "unladylike" and they don't care about the terrible late night food choices you make after going out. Also, you never have to worry about them talking about your outfit because they have no idea what fashion is.
4. Sports. They can play/watch games with you and actually know what they are talking about.
5. Vulgarity. They always appreciate your dirty jokes and you can talk shit to them without them getting their feelings hurt.
6. Guys. They offer a perspective on dating that your girlfriends can't and they won't tell you what you want to hear just so you don't get your feelings hurt.
7. They are easy going. While they care about your feelings and any problems you might be having they don't feel the need to "talk it out". They'll be there if/when you're ready to talk about it but you'll never have to worry about them pressuring you to "let it out" while awkwardly rubbing your back.
8. They have as low a tolerance for bitchy girls as you do.
9. With them, "sweatpants, hair tied, chilling with no makeup on" is business as usual.
10. They always seek your approval on who they're dating and that makes you feel a bit powerful. Plus, the other girls know this and are super nice to you...that is, if they know what's good for them.
11. Gay BFF! Every girl knows that this is the holy grail of friendships. It's like every friend you've ever had in one. They can go shopping with you AND help you move out of your apartment without missing a beat. If you have one of these, be thankful and never let them out of your sight!
12. They know you watch Family Guy and Bob's Burgers and other embarrassing things you don't usually disclose and don't make fun of you for it.
13. If your car breaks down they will know what to do without you having to call your dad right away. Also, if you just so happen to accidentally drive your jeep off a muddy hill in the pouring rain and almost roll into a tree they will help you get it unstuck a few days later! (shout out to Seth, Jason, Doug and Friz for that one)
14. They probably enjoy playing video games which at times can be annoying but if you're lucky they will give you their headset while they're playing and let you harass whatever nine year old boy they are playing on the other side of the world and make them think they are getting schooled by a girl.
15. They are great to have around when you're out with a group of friends because they will surely make any ex or any potential suitor jealous. Also you'll never have to worry about any weirdo creeping up behind you and copping a feel on the dance floor because you're each others go to when it starts getting dancey.
16. Your mom loves them.
I never thought this would ever come out of my mouth but alas the day has finally come where I can honestly say that I no longer consider clubbing to be the definition of "fun". I mean sure, when I was younger I loved dressing up in short sparkly clothes and showing my ID (which was probably fake) to the douche bouncers, dancing in a mosh pit of people while I sweat out the hair and makeup I had just spent hours perfecting. Now, that is all so mundane.
I knew that eventually I would evolve into a responsible adult with a sensible bedtime but I had no idea it would be this soon. This New Years Eve helped me to come to the realization that I can no longer relate to the dumb biddies jumping around and spilling their drinks all over the dance floor, strobe lights are only tolerable when you're incoherent and do I honestly want to tell my children that I met their father somewhere with a name like "Amnesia"? In addition to the fact that if I hear an LMFAO song one more time I might go insane, here is why I will most likely be trading my stilettos and jello shots in for Netflix and pizza in 2015.
1. It hurts. It isn't worth the blisters that go along with club appropriate shoes and my knees...damn it my knees hurt. Lil Jon, quit telling me to "Get Low" unless you know of someone who is willing to help me up.
2. I'm cold. I am actually appalled at the clothes I wore to the club when I was younger. I remember times in college when I would literally be standing in line WHILE IT WAS SNOWING SIDEWAYS in next to nothing. Jackets and pants are a necessity now.
3. I buy real clothes now. Back then I could care less if my halter top got ruined but nowadays if I can't make something wearable to both work AND going out with friends I don't buy it. I'll be damned if I let you get away with spilling your mixed drink on my designer blouse.
4. It's expensive. $14 dollars for vodka soda in the worlds tiniest solo cup? I don't think so. Don't even think about asking me to pay a cover. Not to mention I am tired of paying to get my iPhone fixed after accidentally dropping it or having someone's stiletto pierce the screen.
5. Am I the oldest one here? The fact that I even have to ask myself that question is enough proof for me. I mean of course there's that old man in the corner wearing a green suit and top hat creepily scheming on unsuspecting teenagers but even he thinks you're too old.
6. Has the music always been this loud? "I'm sorry what? WHAT DID YOU SAY?" Unless you are fluent in American sign language and in some strange case so is every other lunatic in the place it is impossible to have a conversation. And if you do strike up a conversation with an attractive male you'll eventually find out they're there for their best friends 21st birthday and you'll then desperately need a shot or three to cope with your ever diminishing youth.
7. "I can't believe I used to drink this shit." The sheer thought of taking a shot with no chaser makes my skin crawl and it usually results in a three day hangover. I now understand the benefits of top shelf as opposed to the previously coveted "house" liquor.
8. "Do people really consider this music?" Half the time I have no idea who or what is playing and unfortunately the DJ's are tired of me requesting "anything Beyoncé". If it doesn't have a heavy bass line and make your heart feel like it is about to explode they aren't playing it.
9. The bathrooms. I don't think I need to elaborate.
10. I'm so tired. I have to physically prepare myself to stay up past 12am and that is usually harder than waking myself up at 5:30am. Once, when I found myself thinking about how much I couldn't wait to get home to my bed while I sipped an overpriced drink that I could barely see in whatever poorly lit rave cave I had ventured into, I knew I had no business being there.
If you are a young twenty something (or perhaps someone much older than me *cough cough*) reading this and you are still in your social prime and enjoy all I have listed above, don't worry. Your time is coming. Until then, I wish you all the best and encourage you to drink lots of water and invest in a large bottle of Ibuprofen.
