It's time to say our bittersweet goodbyes to 2014 and welcome the New Year. I guess the typical human being greets a new year with that "new year, new me" façade that we all loathe, coupled with resolutions about bettering themselves but the fact that I'm still not Victoria's Secret skinny and haven't managed to trick a country music sensation into falling madly in love with me (I'm talking to you Brett Eldredge) is enough to prove that resolutions, for me anyways, are a bunch of bullshit. That's why I have decided to put together a list of achievable goals that every twenty something (or most specifically those of us who are approaching mid-late twenties) can hopefully relate to and/or appreciate.
1. Don't get married. But if you absolutely have to, make sure the wedding is fun and you invite lots of eligible bachelors for your friends.
2. Don't have kids. Unless you really want to, then just make sure your kid is cute enough to subject your social media followers to daily updates of that slobbery baby. Wondering how you'll know? Well, if your baby is cute people will comment things like "Awwww what a doll! I can't get enough of these pics of this sweet angel!" And if your baby is a monster they'll say stuff like "Aww I love his outfit. He looks so good in that hat." You get it.
3. Find a mean best friend. I'm not talking about someone who pushes you down stairs or tries to steal your boyfriend, I talking about a brutally honest, fiercely loyal friend who always and I mean ALWAYS shoots it to you straight. There are a lot of "Shave Your Head Friends" (that's someone who if you ask them if you would look good bald they would hand you the clippers and talk you into fucking up your life) out there and we all need that someone who isn't afraid to tell us that hippy headbands aren't for everyone and skinny jeans and sneakers is never a good look.
4. Always keep it cute! UNLESS you and your friends have reached an agreement that in a certain circumstance it is acceptable to go from classy to gangsta faster than you can say "bless your heart", where in turn this resolution is null and void.
5. Always wash your make up off after going out. Trust me. I know sometimes after a beer or six that's the last thing you care about but there is nothing worse than waking up confused, walking into your bathroom and the first thing you see is Ursula the Sea Witch staring back at you and your whole day is gone in that moment.
6. Make an effort to keep in touch with your friends. I know, I know, you're all living in different places and you're busy and super important but that's what group texting is for. It's unacceptable not to. If Beyoncé has time to Instagram you have time to text your college roommate.
7. Do what makes you happy until it doesn't make you happy anymore. Then do something else. It's that simple.
8. Listen to your friends when it comes to guys. They aren't going to lie to you and they want you to be happy. If they tell you the guy you like looks like Ross Geller on bath salts then he probably does. Nine times out of ten your friends will detect any fratastic douche, mama's boy or jobless idiot way before you will.
9. Put yourself first. Don't go all crazy and start fronting people in line at the DMV or anything but in life, especially now, I think its important to be your own biggest fan. I've been told numerous times that your twenties are about being selfish and doing exactly what you want so do just that. Right now you're the only thing you have to worry about...that's it! Hell, if you want to lay around in your underwear all day and watch Bob's Burgers you do that! Enjoy your financial freedom, finding a career that you love, learning about yourself and even getting weird when you feel like it.
10. Be impulsive. If you are a logical person you probably tend to think of something awesome and then two minutes later start to reason with yourself and talk yourself out of what could quite possibly the coolest thing you've ever done. This was my resolution this past year and how I ended up with my precious dog, Cathy, a pretty cool job in the sunshine state and what made me book a trip to NYC on a whim. *pats weave*
11. Don't go to bars/clubs that let in people under 21. You're too old for that...seriously you'll be the oldest person there and that is never fun. It's depressing to see young college coeds in their prime bee bopping around to the latest Katy Perry remix while you drink your craft beer (because you're also going to stop drinking the shit beer that is on special) and think about how much you'd rather be in your bed.
12. Save your money. Not just for house and unexpected expenses and stuff like that but for fun things and trips with your friends. This is the only time you will be unattached and able to take impromptu vacations with your besties to a foreign land. While you're there you can even have a little fun and convince your parents that you met a local and decided to get married and not get on your flight home the next day like I did! However, I must warn you that your parents WILL NOT think it is funny worth a damn.
Sorry, mom and dad.
13. Buy quality clothing. You are a young professional now and Forever 21 is unfortunately just the name of a store. You have no business entering any store blaring techno music. Most of those clothes are worthless after one wash anyways. I know from experience. Once the crotch of your pants unknowingly unravels in front of a table full of old construction men at Subway you never go back.
14. Drink alcohol in moderation. Hahaha. Yeah, I couldn't say that with a straight face either. I guess at least resolve to do so in front of older family members and on days of the week that don't end in "Y".
15. Call your mother.
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