I never thought this would ever come out of my mouth but alas the day has finally come where I can honestly say that I no longer consider clubbing to be the definition of "fun". I mean sure, when I was younger I loved dressing up in short sparkly clothes and showing my ID (which was probably fake) to the douche bouncers, dancing in a mosh pit of people while I sweat out the hair and makeup I had just spent hours perfecting. Now, that is all so mundane.
I knew that eventually I would evolve into a responsible adult with a sensible bedtime but I had no idea it would be this soon. This New Years Eve helped me to come to the realization that I can no longer relate to the dumb biddies jumping around and spilling their drinks all over the dance floor, strobe lights are only tolerable when you're incoherent and do I honestly want to tell my children that I met their father somewhere with a name like "Amnesia"? In addition to the fact that if I hear an LMFAO song one more time I might go insane, here is why I will most likely be trading my stilettos and jello shots in for Netflix and pizza in 2015.
1. It hurts. It isn't worth the blisters that go along with club appropriate shoes and my knees...damn it my knees hurt. Lil Jon, quit telling me to "Get Low" unless you know of someone who is willing to help me up.
2. I'm cold. I am actually appalled at the clothes I wore to the club when I was younger. I remember times in college when I would literally be standing in line WHILE IT WAS SNOWING SIDEWAYS in next to nothing. Jackets and pants are a necessity now.
3. I buy real clothes now. Back then I could care less if my halter top got ruined but nowadays if I can't make something wearable to both work AND going out with friends I don't buy it. I'll be damned if I let you get away with spilling your mixed drink on my designer blouse.
4. It's expensive. $14 dollars for vodka soda in the worlds tiniest solo cup? I don't think so. Don't even think about asking me to pay a cover. Not to mention I am tired of paying to get my iPhone fixed after accidentally dropping it or having someone's stiletto pierce the screen.
5. Am I the oldest one here? The fact that I even have to ask myself that question is enough proof for me. I mean of course there's that old man in the corner wearing a green suit and top hat creepily scheming on unsuspecting teenagers but even he thinks you're too old.
6. Has the music always been this loud? "I'm sorry what? WHAT DID YOU SAY?" Unless you are fluent in American sign language and in some strange case so is every other lunatic in the place it is impossible to have a conversation. And if you do strike up a conversation with an attractive male you'll eventually find out they're there for their best friends 21st birthday and you'll then desperately need a shot or three to cope with your ever diminishing youth.
7. "I can't believe I used to drink this shit." The sheer thought of taking a shot with no chaser makes my skin crawl and it usually results in a three day hangover. I now understand the benefits of top shelf as opposed to the previously coveted "house" liquor.
8. "Do people really consider this music?" Half the time I have no idea who or what is playing and unfortunately the DJ's are tired of me requesting "anything Beyoncé". If it doesn't have a heavy bass line and make your heart feel like it is about to explode they aren't playing it.
9. The bathrooms. I don't think I need to elaborate.
10. I'm so tired. I have to physically prepare myself to stay up past 12am and that is usually harder than waking myself up at 5:30am. Once, when I found myself thinking about how much I couldn't wait to get home to my bed while I sipped an overpriced drink that I could barely see in whatever poorly lit rave cave I had ventured into, I knew I had no business being there.
If you are a young twenty something (or perhaps someone much older than me *cough cough*) reading this and you are still in your social prime and enjoy all I have listed above, don't worry. Your time is coming. Until then, I wish you all the best and encourage you to drink lots of water and invest in a large bottle of Ibuprofen.
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